Lately it feels as if I am a producer walking around the set of a movie being made about my life. I'm intimately connected to the film and I have full knowledge of all it's moving parts - it's just that I don't have a lot of say over all the details. I wish that I was the director, or even the actor starring in the lead role, but I'm not.
As a producer, I understand how the story of my life begins and I am fairly confident of it's conclusion. It's just that I'm frustrated with the way this current chapter and scene are playing out and there's really not much I can do about it.
The overarching story of my life compares little to it's current minutiae and because of that I have grown distant.
Distance didn't happen overnight though. At first I made strong attempts to defend myself from anything that railed against me. I sought the comfort of old strategies and habits while I continued to pursue life on the battlefield. Over time though exhaustion and neutrality took it's toll. Feeling like a beleaguered soldier on the front line, I finally let my weapon fall to my side and I just stood there. In that moment, while the sharp sounds of battle continued on around me, I wondered what this effort was all for. I began to distance myself from the story.
Distance is a picky thing. If used correctly it can provide perspective and a greater frame of reference. If taken to a different extreme it can lead to isolation and exclusivity. It's amazing to me how some people can distance themselves and, over time, turn hardship into beauty. Yet, for others distancing themselves ends only in disappearance.