The distance between me and “confidence in this life” is measurable. Normally a headstrong individual, the greatest challenge of late has been to venture out not knowing when I might be sideswiped. Like driving for the first time after being in a car accident, I live my life assuming something terrible will play out again.
The minute I let my guard down I know I’ll pay for it.
Living a guarded life has its privileges. Because of my careful, observant life I’ll be ready to volley back whatever life throws at me. In the end, I’ll come away unharmed and unaffected by the terrors of the day. I’ll become the master of deflection.
Living a guarded life also has its downside. I am tired of walking around all the time with catcher’s gear on. Padding from head to toe, feeling like an oversized pillow being thrown from one side of the room to another. Things are happening around me but my response time is limited by the amount of safety measures I’ve set in place.
I’m not sure that the guarded life is the right one, but it’s the only play I’ve got right now.