I've always been the type of person that could focus in on one thing for an extended amount of time. Whether it was a project to be finished, a task to be crossed off of a list, or even a marathon to be run; I could always be counted on to see it through.
When pain and suffering entered my life I was no longer efficient in that way. My desire to reach out and harness the energy and concentration required was gone. It was as if my hands had lost their ability to hold things. I knew what I needed to do, I just couldn't.
I remember the day when everything I had under control came tumbling down like Jenga pieces on a wooden table.
A few things that I remember about that moment:
First, I was surprised to see how tired I was from trying to control everything. For quite some time I had been carrying around the pieces of my life like an overly large bundle of laundry. Constantly looking over and around the massive pile in my arms trying to see if I had dropped anything along the way. It was a burdensome way to live and I had no idea the amount of power it took for me to do that on my own.
Secondly, I was shocked to see just how far the pieces of my life scattered away from each other once they were out of my hands. My "getting-around-to-it" plan was to take stock of my life. To methodically restructure the load I was carrying. Maybe I would shuffle things around, put new labels on old issues and then somehow escape having to do anything at all.
Conclusion: everything needed to be scattered.
When everything in your life is in a nice neat pile you can continue on with ease. When things are all scattered about you can either run around at breakneck pace trying to recollect it all or you can just stop, admit your tired and start looking at the pieces individually.